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Sharing the inner world

Rachel Estapa

We become frightened that if we show our inner-thoughts and vulnerability to the world, others might crush it. So we keep things hidden within and out of sight, because we believe it's too precious and fragile to share. I say this because I came across my first post I ever wrote for what would later become Undercurrent's blog. I started with the intention of  sharing it, but obviously didn't . I can understand why: I was 25, recently unemployed, totally financially  broke and at a loss as to what I was going to do next in my life.  Who wanted to read what I had to say?

Looking back nearly two years later upon it, I was actually scared to share it with the world because I was on to something -- something really big for myself that I couldn't grasp and didn't think I could live up to.

Now I can share the best excerpt from it and know I'm living up to it -- this whole experience of trying to figure it out is authentically me.

August, 2009:

Over the past 6 months now, I’ve tuned out the popular culture world, shunning TV, commercial radio, magazines & have even gone so far as to ignore current events & world news. Why? The answers and truth I need to discover are not found there – they are within & around me.

This time has been extremely self-focused – my world has never felt so small, so compact, nor my mind so aware of what’s going on. I feel the moments more vividly – they are shaded with a pervasive thought; sometimes of excitement of possibility, others, with doubt, uncertainty and a gnawing ache in my chest that if I just reach out a little more, I’ll meet what I’m after.

Problem with that is, I do not know what I’m after entirely – I’m bouncing between the doorway of opportunities presented to me and following where my strengths and interests lie. Is that one in the same? I know no other way to be right now – and while this phase is wrought with anxiety at times, I truly am responsible for how my life is. That is freedom.

A beautiful epiphany comes through my mind every so often, and has the ability to sooth and vanish weary thoughts that consume, shadow and haunt me. One such beautiful thought is, Your future self is not out there, somewhere, to be met one day – what you do today will be your tomorrow.