Six years ago, I couldn't get a real date to save my life. I blamed nearly all of that on being a size 14/16 and used my weight as a shield to deflect getting rejected. When you're overweight you come up with all kinds of reason why dating sucks, like "guys are such jerks! They won't even LOOK at you if you're not a size 2!" or my favorite "Whatever, I just want a guy to value ME for ME -- not how I look." But let's be real here -- if you're overweight and single, it can feel like there's no hope in the world for finding a person that madly, truly, deeply loves YOU. Yes, even ALL of you.
Dating while being overweight isn't a death-sentence to single-dom at all, so here are 5 rules for curvy women who want pure dating mastery! And for added intrigued I've personally used all these rules in my dating life, which lead to one helluva man to put a ring on it :)
Curvy Dating Rule #1: Size matters only if you make it matter
There is nothing more unattractive than leading with your unhappiness. The mind is a marvelous tool when it comes to reality -- if you think your weight is a real factor to your lack of dates, guess what -- you're right! Not because a man told you so, not because COSMO said so -- it comes down to one raw, crippling belief that is holding you back: you're just too fat for love.
There are many people in the world that think large women are unattractive and there are many men that think skinny women are unattractive. Case in point? Don't assume your body-image hang-ups are how others see you.
If body-acceptance is a real struggle for you, it's important to work through it before you begin dating seriously. You'll just end up bringing your insecurities into the relationship and that's no good for anyone involved. Everyone has insecurities but knowing how to mange and work through yours is a major factor in dating success.
And you're in luck!! On February 9, 2013, health at every size (HAES) rock-star Golda Poretsky of Body Love Wellness, is hosting a "Body Positive Dating" tele-masterclass. This is truly a great resource to help you blast-through body/dating issues!
Curvy Dating Rule #2: Never lie about who you are & what you look like
The internet is amazing - I fell in love the moment I typed in "www" for the first time into a browser back in the late 90's. But with the internet's awesome-ness, the internet's cloak of deception has also emerged.
Any client I ever work with who wants to dip into online dating must follow my golden rule: never lie about your appearance! If you're dating honestly, you need to be open & clear about who you are because that is the solid foundation of any relationship. If you're lying about how you look, what's going to happen if/when you finally get to meet face-to-face? You'll feel unnecessary anxiety and maybe even rejection -- but not because of how you look necessarily, but because you damaged their trust.
Yes, it's scary to be that open, but putting the real you out there can mean only ONE thing: people will also positively respond to the real you and that'll give you one huge boost of confidence!
Curvy Dating Rule #3: You teach others how you want to be treated
Similar to rule 1, this one needs to go a little deeper into what your boundaries and expectations are in dating. Sometimes overweight women are also push-overs: they think that if they are overly nice and accommodating people will love them more. What ends up happening is you'll start to feel taken advantage of, that you're just settling, and people wont respect you.
Setting boundaries and being seen as a bitch are NOT the same thing; one is grounded in acting with confidence and grace, the other, out of fear of being taken advantage of. But at the end of the day, if you're dating someone who isn't respecting, considerate or honoring you, it's sending the message that it's OK to settle for less than the best. You deserve WAY more than that, so let people show you how well they can treat you!
Curvy Dating Rule #4: Always dress your most-fabulous!
I used to wear over-sized sweatshirts to parties in junior high because I thought they would hide my tummy better. And when I look back at those photos all I can see is an uncomfortable, poorly dressed girl -- and guess what, one who looks overweight too.
Dressing for your body says way more than your sense of fashion - it speaks volumes for how much you care about yourself and how you want the world to know about it. With the rise in tons of plus-size fashion bloggers (such as GarnerStlye), brands and clothing lines, there really isn't anything that's off-limits to women size 12+.
Whether it's grabbing coffee, running to the gym, out with the girls, off to work, or your first date with a new squeeze -- outfits and style are an import piece to feeling great about your body. Fashion is also an opportunity for people to see just how much you care about your self-worth. And trust me -- people LOVE seeing a well-put together plus-sized girl (just ask my co-workers who comment on my adorable outfits daily!)
Curvy Dating Rule #5: Learn how to attract & keep men that honor all of you
Dating is 90% mental; 10% physical. There is a craft to the art of attraction and it starts with your sexiest organ: the mind. Attracting the right kind of partner is about understanding and valuing yourself, and trusting that whoever you date will also hold their own self-worth in high regard. You can tell when you're not being respected, and the good men out there know the difference between a woman of self-worth and a woman of self-pity.
If you're curious about how to attract and keep good men, you'll want to check out my business mentor Marni Batista and her life-changing programs at Dating with Dignity -- get on her email list and open yourself up to a whole new world of dating goodies.
Don't allow yourself to hold back from being the light in someone else's life Love isn't just for thin people. Love isn't something that is denied to those who don't fit the mold. Love first and foremost, comes from a deep sense of unconditional SELF love. These five rules are just some of the life-changing ways love can enter into your curvy life, so go out there, practice them and even better -- write some love rules for yourself :)