This week was body HELL for me.
Last Thursday (the day of the MTLClass kick-off call) was also the day I started having excruciating pains in my pelvis. They became so bad I wasn't able to move, lie-down, sleep, walk, sit -- everything was agony and no one knew why.
All week, I have been at the doctors trying to figure out what is going on. So, I apologize for not being nearly as active with More To Love as I wanted to be. Today was the worst medial-procedure wise -- I was literally poked, prodded, blood drawn, digesting medical-goop to see my organs, scanned, and zapped for 9 hours!
All week I HATED my body -- the pain -- the lack of answers -- the misery of having my PCOS flair up so massively, I even thought about getting a total hysterectomy. I hate my hips because they were in pain, my back for being weak, my legs for giving up on me. My insides for being selfish!
But I kept coming back to this truth: "My body needs me right now" and without this pain, how could I discover how to love? How to soothe and take care of myself? Without pain, how would I know what needs to be taken care of?
So the end of the day I received a disk of my own CT scan images ----- and my world shifted. I stared at the images of my X-rayed body for 30mins straight.
Awed. Humbled. Moved.
I saw how tiny my body-structure truly is, even with fat and flesh. How delicate and complex all my vital organs sit upon each-other, happily working together. I saw that I am made of bone, muscles, flesh, tissues ---all things some 7 billion other humans have, but I'm the ONLY combination like this in the whole wide world.
I am the ONLY combination of bone, muscle, flesh, strength and much more that compromises Rachel Estapa. And that's just my BODY! Think about my MIND and the vast avenues of consciousness and personality!!
I think everyone should have the chance to see their body this way - not just when something is wrong - but as an act of love of body and self.
There is nothing wrong in our bodies, only our judgement of them. And even in times of illness, my body was STILL doing all it could for me to survive. SHOUTING at me "Please Rachel, look! Help! We down here NEED you!"
And I listened. I will be OK once things settle down and I need to make a few adjustments to how I have been managing my health, especially my PCOS.
Pain is OK because it's a call for love. A call for kindness. Pain lets you know something needs compassion and caring. Pain is not the end, but a start of remembering how to love, again and again.