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I hated my body today, but soon realized…


More To Love teaches plus size women how to learn body-acceptance and end dieting for good. 

I hated my body today, but soon realized…

Rachel Estapa

I could not get out of bed this morning. Already late for the day, I felt tired from a restless sleep of tossing and turning. Struggling with my body already on a physical level, it was time to ask: OK, what am I wearing today…

Taking into account the summer time weather creeping in, I wanted to be cool because I HATE the heat…and then the ol’ mind kicked in:

Damn it, the shirt I want is in the wash
I wore that skirt yesterday!
*puts on a pale blue shirt with a high-waisted skirt*
I look like a soviet-era ballerina…

*Tears it off, heart rate higher now*
OK, these pants..simple, classic…and this longer tanktop!
UGH, I cannot deal, my bra is showing in this shirt.
AND MY ARMS, so not in the mood to wear a cover up.

*I put on the first outfit again – I’m now 30 mins late*
*I walk into the bathroom, catch a glimpse of me from the side*
UGH EW NO WAY! Noooooope.
I run back into my bedroom, put the pants back on and realize:

I’m freaking out, I’m not having a good body image morning. What do I do?And then a little voice inside popped up: “I need to take care of myself.”

So I took the path of self-care, I put on something comfortable realizing all this fuss wasn’t about my attire at all – I felt off with my body, my whole self. The clothing frustration was just amplifying how I felt inside – tired, frazzled, unsettled, worried, incongruent. Human.

I then left the house, now 45 minutes behind but I kept reminding myself “Just take care.”

As I walked through my spring time neighborhood, I soaked in the warm breeze – I felt the sun on my face, the smell of fresh trees in the air. I remembered a funny story my husband told me last night and I started to smile with a laugh. I noticed how calm and peaceful the world was at this hour. I was aware of how my body was moving through space, how the sunlight lit up my brightly colored hair.

My whole mood lifted to appreciate what’s right before me -  all because I took care of myself.

This isn’t some magical remedy, it’s real life from my real experiences trying to work on managing the stir of thoughts that have the power to knock me off course. But without them, I wouldn’t know the value of self-kindness, of enjoying sunlight or the memory of a funny story.

Next time you're hating on your body, just remember to take care however it arrives to you.