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More To Love teaches plus size women how to learn body-acceptance and end dieting for good. 

Today, I feel crappy

Rachel Estapa

Loving yourself is hard. Some days, it feels like all the work you’ve done means nadda when a trip-up occurs. And I hate to admit when something does.

But today, I feel pretty gross inside and out. And as my husband puts it...I can feel it off you – you feel really low.”

I can pinpoint it to some disappointing things around More To Love and my own personal experience recently.

Last week, I learned about being named one of the fresh new faces with big ideas in the Boston Globe for my work with body acceptance AND LITERALLY in that same moment I heard the wonderful, vindicating news, my OB/GYN came into the room (I was at a Dr.'s appointment) and said “Ok, I want you to lose 30 pounds.”

My heart was high, then burst - not THIS again, seriously? NOW?!

We talked about my endocrine disorder, polycystic ovarian syndrome, and about how truly difficult it will be for me to have children if we chose to. We talked about the paradox of me living so actively, eating fresh and natural foods the vast majority of the time, yet still have a body that I guess..well, doesn't look like I do.

We even talked about how at age six I was classified as medically overweight and from there on, it seemed to shape every interaction with a doctor.

“What’s the normal weight for a six year old?”
“About forty five pounds.”
“What did I weight?”

But the truth is…I have gained weight. About 10 pounds since June. I’m 5’2 and stocky – my winter coats in the arms don’t fit well and with all the added yoga I’ve been doing, my shoulder muscles have grown too. It bums be out and leaves me feeling torn.

But wait – I’m supposed to be the poster child for body-love! And if other people in the body acceptance circle heard me talking like this, they decry me as a fake, a liar and fraud.

Am I? Does it matter? Does it make all my work here at MTL pointless? No – because despite the bumps, I genuinely do love my body even though I’m still a person with a complex relationship with my health, weight and confidence. 

So maybe now you see why I personally need body acceptance because all my life, I’ve had a "weight problem" and found peace in learning to love what seemed broken. 

Right now - I’m being super hard on myself – this is my Achilles’s heels – and that’s why I feel so rotten today. It all soaked in...the highs, the lows, the bright future, the painful past. 

But I know something deeper now that I’ve spent the past decade deliberately trying to live from a place of love for myself: 10 pounds or 100 pounds in either direction…I’m Rachel and I still love animals, sushi, watching classic Simpsons, practicing yoga, and writing candidly about my life.